Father Daughter Dance.

Yesterday was the annual Father Daughter Dance at my Daughters school. It is the third year in a row that we've gone. This year we took my daughter shopping and let her pick out anything she wanted to wear. She was so excited for the dance and excited to spend time with me. Lately I've been so busy with school and work and workouts that i haven't been spending much time with the family. I get out of work late at night and go to school early in the morning. By the time my little girl gets off the school bus I'm getting ready for work and only have about 20 min to talk to her before dashing off to a full nights work.

She misses her daddy and i miss spending time with her as well so this father daughter dance couldn't come at a better time. We got all fancyfied and went off to her school for pictures, dancing, and general merriment also a lot of high pitched squeals when the little girls saw each other. It was nice to see her grow into a well adjusted girl with friends of all kinds.

 I talked with her teacher and she informed me that the school is planning on an excel program and if they have the funding my daughter is definitely going to be in it. For those of you who don't know excel is a program for children that need to be challenge more. The teacher said that my daughter Saige is easily the smartest girl in her class. She tries to stump her and challenge her more than the other children and thinks my daughter needs to be in a more advance class. I continue to be proud of my little girl, what parent doesn't love hearing how well behaved and intelligent their child is right?!  

Wedding shower? Dont mind if i do !!

       Today I had a wedding party to attend just a few towns over at Chucks moms house. Its been a while since I've seen Chuck and his wonderful bride to be Molly so I was very excited to attend the event.  I was up bright and early today because the kids wanted their daddy to make breakfast. Being the master chef I am I decided on the foreign delicacy of  "Le bowl of cereal" as the french say. So the trolls ate their breakfast we played a couple games of topple had a couple laughs and I started to get ready for the Wedding shower.


To be perfectly honest I've never been to a wedding shower before. In the beautiful place that is my imagination, I imagined the wedding shower as us in the wedding party running around giggling while being showered with water from the water hose....Apparently I was way off base with that thought but it made me crack up in hysterics to myself. I do that a lot more than id like to admit.


Anyhow a wedding shower is actually when loved ones and friends get together and give gifts and eat delicious food and have great conversations and shit like that.  I had a great time at Chucks mothers house it was nice to see where he grew up and hear some amazing stories about the home and chucks family lineage. The house was a beautiful old Victorian and it freaking has 3 bathrooms! I got a one on one tour of from basement to attic. 


The food was indeed amazing and there was so much of it!  Molly seemed a little nervous but she handled herself very well as she usually does. Her infectious smile and sense of humor will always win over any crowd. Shes a great girl and I'm so happy for the two of them. As a parting gift they had "Molly pops" with chuck and molly's picture on them. The running joke was you eat the "Molly pop" and Chuck the wrapper. LOL it was a really cute idea. So anyway my day was filled with great people and laughs. I love these people and I'm not afraid to say it bitches.

Congratulations to Chuck and Molly and to a lifetime of moments that take your breath away.   

Where the shit has the time gone??

Ive been so busy with work and school and working out  that I barley have had time to write here. 
As you may know I'm going to massage therapy school. Its going pretty good too. I did have a couple bad days where I fell asleep in class and didn't do too well on my tests, but for the most part I'm doing awesome! Just as long as I can get some sleep that is.


 I'm already learning alot about ethics and the human body and of course the skin. In spa class we learned how to give a proper salt scrub for the feet. Practiced on my girlfriend and even mixed my own blend of different essential oils with it. I also had a coffee back scrub which made my skin feel amazing. Apparently coffee grounds are great for skin ! ha ha cant wait to learn more! and Goodnight!

I look good in a tux

My friend Chuck is getting married late May. Today the guys that are in the wedding had our tuxes fitted. It was fun to shoot the shit with Chuck and the rest of them for a little while. After which they were going for some brews. I didn't go with them this time but it was no big deal.


 Instead I took the kids to a birthday party at my friend Andrea and her husbands beautiful home. It was they're little daughters birthday her name is Kennadie . They even had a clown there for entertainment!! The kids got sparkle tattoos, balloon animals, cake and goo-die bags, and they played on the swing set. Fun times, good friends, and good food! what more could you ask for.

Fantasy World...who me?

 Tonight I watched some of my favorite TV shows and there was a running theme within them that really hit home.Ever thought about living in a different world? A world created by you where everything is there for the sole purpose of making you the happiest,well rounded, balanced, best version of yourself ever imaginable. Where you look exactly the way that makes you the happiest. You live in the place that makes your spirit sing. Your surrounded by everything that's right for you. A place where the inner you, the one you don't share with anyone including your spouse or best friend or anyone else. Where that perfect you runs free and happy? 

I have a world like this too. Its right there laying almost directly on top of this one. Sometimes the two become one and I can see it. Clear as day. The me I want to be. I can almost Reach out and touch him. Hes perfect, strong, magical, wise, a lover, fighter, protector, healer, A father, brother, friend, boyfriend....and so much more. But, right now its all just a fantasy. A wondrous daydream full of light and laughter. I'm not the man I want to be. Not even close. I swear its like I'm flying blind right now... Sometimes I wonder if my two halves will ever be one. The Light I seek and the darkness I am...

I was hesitant to write this...

I've been hesitant to write this particular Blog. Mainly because for the better part of my life when something good happened something equally bad or worse has happened. But, what the hell right?  I'm just going to throw caution to the wind and say that I started attending school. A massage therapy and spa course. When I decided to do this and started to slowly tell people around me I couldn't believe the overwhelming negative responses I received.Most people cant understand why I want to do this. 


As you may or may not know I have my Reiki one and two atunements. *Reiki  is a form of bodywork and energy medicine that uses energy channeled through a practitioner's hands to restore health and a sense of well-being. Id  like to incorporate this into massage therapy to help heal people both physically and on emotional /energetic level. For more information on Reiki I found a nifty little site or you can just google it.


I've been working in machine shops and factories for my entire adult life. Not as a passion,  just to pay the bills. Id like to have a second job that's something I love to do and make some money doing. Plus id be helping others Feel better.so whats not to love?! 


I've started going to school during the day and work later at night. Its only been a few days but I can already see its going to be tough road balancing work, school, and  family obligations. I am up for the challenge as scary as it  seems. If I don't do this now ill always be finding excuses why not to do it and it' ll never be the right time. So that's it ! With a little luck and determination ill be a licenced massage therapist next year. I  just want a better quality of life for myself and my family and I hope I have their full support. Though im doing this with or with out it. 




*http://www.traditionalreiki.com/basics/basic.html

Back to the Workouts and staying positive

Its been a full week since my abdominal hernia surgery. I went to the doctor and got the green light to start doing my normal routine. So,I decided its time to make up for lost time and start working out again. I began yesterday and I can really feel how much weaker I've gotten in a month of not working out! That's alright though  I'm back at it again and will be in shape for the summer.  I've decided to drop my gym because i just cant afford a  60 dollar a month bill on top of supporting a family of 4 on one income.  I started  working out at home and so far so good although I am looking into a cheaper gym one that's 24 hours and i can go to straight after work. I am still a little apprehensive on lifting anything too heavy and messing up my stomach again so I am concentrating on workouts that include more cardio and using my own body weight as resistance at least for now. Things like burpees, alternating squats, shuffles, close grip push ups, sumo squats, inchworms, bicycles and mountain climbers. 

Everything is looking up and I'm working  hard on staying positive. Its a lot harder than it seems. I never realized just how "half empty" my outlook on life has been. Anyways I cant let my mistakes and failures ruin what I'm going for. I'm a work in progress both physically and mentally. I accept that every day isn't going to be easy  but, I'm not going to give up on being a more positive happier person. Still trying to follow this dream.....wish me luck!  

On my mind...a Promise.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how often I've passed up opportunities, jobs, life experiences, and even romances because of fear. Fear of failure, fear of letting people down, fear of what others will think of me, fear of making a mistake, fear of looking foolish. Its been a constant reoccurring theme in my life. Fear keeps me from living my life, from following dreams, from becoming the man I want to be. 

For the first time in a long time I feel like I should follow a dream, take a chance, a leap of faith. Even if it means I fall flat on my face. I don't want to wake up one day an old, gray, bitter man who  looks back upon a life filled with regrets.

 For a really big chunk of my life I've lived by the notion that if you don't try you don't fail. I realize now how limiting and hurtful this view of the world has really been on me. How many potentially wonderful experiences I have missed out on simply by not trying.

 I've gotten in the way of my own happiness, of my own success for far too long and its time for this to stop. I will not just settle for less because I'm afraid to try. This whole thing reminded me of something I read a while back ago in the famous self help book "the Secret" here it is:

I Promise Myself...

To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.

To talk health, hapiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.

To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature I meet.

To give so much time to improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me.

Christian D. Larson 1912

R.I.P Ipswich.

Ipswich our parakeet died early this morning of an illness he got like three days ago.I woke up this morning tried o get directions for a vet in Palmer ma. When i looked into his cage he was at the bottom dead. It really sucks and I'm pissed off that I didn't take him sooner.  He was doing so good and we were taking good care of him. Changed his water daily, he had toys to play with, and he had a lot of time outside of his cage perched up on our shoulders. I even you tubed Parakeet calls for him to listen to while I was online. If there's something we did wrong with him I cant think of it. He seemed to be getting better, he started eating and playing with his toys again. I thought he was on the road to recovery. Then he last night he looked awful. I'm going to miss the little guy. No more pets for a while I cant keep losing animals I care about. Some people may think its stupid that I get attached to my pets faster than people but I don't care. I care about animals plain and simple. I brake for them in the car and even stop the car to help  turtles cross the road. Here are some pics of Ipswich and I :

                                                        

My Pet, My Friend, I'll Miss You

Tis a sad time in our lives

You have left us here to mourn

Be missed, that is for certain

Many tears are bound to flow

Take this Angel to guide you

Sleep well, much peace, My love

My Pet, My friend, I'll miss you

Rest in Peace, for ever more

poem from:
http://www.pocketangels.com/guardian-angel-my-pet-my-friend-ill-miss-you-pocket-angel/)

Mail surprise form IRS and more....

Yesterday I went to the mailbox and received what I thought to be my money from my taxes in the mail. Upon closer inspection of the letter I realized it was a bill a bill thats over a 1,000 dollars!! Apparently someone in the IRS must have entered the info with their elbows or something. Its called a  CP 2000 letter. Its unneeded stress right now but we are working on getting everything straightened out. 

On top of that my new parakeet is sick. I'm looking into a avian vet because the vets around here don't do birds. So hopefully the poor guy makes it until I can find one. Hes a good bird and was just starting to hang out outside of his cage and on our shoulders. I hope he makes it, I get attached to my animals really quick and get really upset when they pass... My fingers are crossed for my parakeet Ipswich. I already lost my rabbit of over 4 years randomly. I don't want to lose another pet.  

Work went well, minor pain form the surgery. I'm on light duty for 2 weeks till I heal up completely.That's it and its only Tuesday. Hopefully optimistic for the rest of my week. I hear we may get a snow storm this week. Hope we don't.

Surgery Done!

I was up at 6:50 am and had gone to bed at 3:30 the night before.. I was obviously worrying which is something I have always done about everything outside of my control. The night before I had a dream where a tornado picked me up and was tossing me around like a rag doll. I always dream of tornadoes whenever I'm worried about things I cant control. Anyhow, I got to the hospital around 7:30 and was scheduled for surgery at 8:am.

All the doctors and nurses were friendly and tried to make me comfortable for the procedure. I have a cold so they weren't sure if they were going to put me under or not because the risks are higher I guess.

Well they decided to go through with it and gave me an IV with something to put me out. The nurse said "your going to start feeling sleepy now." I didn't feel sleepy at all and then suddenly I was out.

When I came to it was all over. I made some groggy incoherent ramblings to the nurses I could see. I believe I said "I'm a pagan son of the Goddess. Reiki certified alternative healing!" Then I fell asleep again. I'm sure they hear all kinds of wacky things in the recovery room from people but none the less it was a bit embarrassing.

I had to suck it up and call my mother for a ride home. Docs wouldn't let me drive. I was surprised to see my aunt from Puerto Rico which i haven't seen since i was like 10 years old. I guess she came up to visit my mother with  another aunt of mine. They drove me to my moms for coffee and my aunts and I chatted for a while. Its nice to see family after so many years. Catch up on how things on the island are.

 By the time I arrived back at home I had developed a fever and the chills. I was shivering uncontrollably. My girlfriend and children bundled me up and sat me on the couch. I swear they enjoyed it a little too much. See what I mean.---->

Right now I'm on Vicodin 500 for the pain. It hurts to cough, laugh, sneeze, twist or move. I cant afford to take any more days off so its back to work on Monday. Luckily my girlfriend is taking good care of me. Hopefully my stitches wont hurt too bad by then and all the swelling goes down. No complaints though  that's life when your head of household in a middle class family. Work through the pain Daddies cant get sick.

A Daddy Daughter Day

Today was a good day to be out an about. Grown up life, relationships, and work have a way of adding unneeded drama into life. I took my 7 year old daughter out for a Daddy Daughter Day for getting straight A's on her report card and in school in general. She picked out my new jewelry for all the holes I like to put in my head. After that was a trip to Game Stop. We searched there for a bit until we came across a game she liked. Epic Mickey for the WII ! I have to admit I've really wanted to play it for a while and now that it was on sale it was was the perfect time to buy.

Next, we went to Friendly's a few towns over and I let her choose whatever she wanted off the ice cream menu. She had a Hot fudge sundae with gummy bears and m&m's. We talked about school and her best friends. I made sure she knew that this was a special treat for doing so well in school and also for the great job she did on her part of the cultural event at school. I told her how courageous she was and how proud I am of her. She admitted to being afraid when she was up in front of the parents with her classmates. I told her that being brave doesn't mean your never afraid. Being brave is about being afraid and doing it anyway. Facing your fears. She took it in for a sec. and then said  "the perfume isle at the mall really stunk." I smiled an agreed.  It was good to get out and pick her brain about school, her friends, and things she finds funny. Shes turning into her own little person so quickly right before my eyes. I'm afraid I'm missing out on so many things in my childrens  life sometimes. Its good to take time and do things one on one. We had fun :) 

A Proud Daddy Moment.

Today was my 7 year old daughters Cultural school day function. It was to celebrate the diversity of people in her school.  All the second graders had small roles to play. Each class was given a different country to speak about. My daughters classroom had China and my little shy girl had a speaking part! My nerves were on edge for my little girl. I know all to well how crippling shyness can be. I never even did an oral book report, I was always so shy Id take a failing grade.


 We arrived at her school and found a parking spot. I hurried my 5 year old son and girlfriend inside camera in hand. I anxiously watched the other classes speak about the countries they had. I felt a lump start to gather in my throat, my palms were sweaty and my feet were nervously tapping on the gymnasium floor. There's no way I could be up there with a speaking part. I had such an overwhelming fear that my little girl would be afraid, cry, puke, and run off stage being forever scarred causing her to become an old recluse shut in with 15 cats as adult. Sounds weird I know but that's how my mind works.  My daughters class was the last to go and I'm proud to say she did amazing. She was up there next to her friends in her cool new outfit and spoke her part like a pro. I'm definitely proud of my little girl. I couldn't ask for a better daughter I don't have the words to describe the joy I feel in my heart watching my daughter succeed. 


Unfortunately, my mother was a no-show. She has a way of putting my children on the back burner. She doesn't stay for birthday parties, doesn't come visit them, and doesn't invite them over like she does her other grandchildren. Shes even had the nerve to tell me that my kids aren't really her grandchildren. According to her, they are more my girlfriends side of the family. That's my mothers not so subtle way of saying my kids are white and her real grandchildren are Hispanic. Its frustrating as hell because my kids don't know any better and love spending time with her.


Well... I'm not going to let my disappointment in my mothers behavior overshadow the happiness in my heart or my daughters big day. This weekend I'm going to treat her to a Father-Daughter dinner and ice cream at Friendly's then off to Game Stop for a well deserved video game.

Valentines Day...

If your one of those people that love this "holiday" well.. go read another blog because your not going to like this post. Valentines day is a day that we are suppose to show our affections to our true love and/or the ones we really care for. There are hearts and fat baby cherubs with bows and arrows ready to shoot you in the heart and make you fall in love. Couples are planning special nights all over the place. Now, I could get into the history of Saint Valentine and the Catholic church but...lets not even go there. 


Valentines day today is all a marketing gimmick. Flowers, candy, cards, heart shaped everything.  I get that its a great idea to show our lovers we care and romance is very important in relationships. However to me its a cheesy bullshit holiday. A non-liday if you will. 


You should be showing your partner you love them year round. Not just on this one day when your being told you have to. The little things are the ones that matter most in the long run. Id rather not get a single thing for valentines day and have my girlfriend show me she supports me and my decisions and appreciate that I'm a hard worker. 


It's all about the little things. The things that your partner does daily for you and you for them. Weather its how she/he listens to your daily complaints about work and acts like she/he knows what the hell your talking about. Or how every morning when your in bed she/he bring you in a cup of coffee because she knows you cant get out of bed without one. Or How he/she waits up for you to come home so she can see you before she/he goes to bed.   


Those are the things that count in my book. Grand gestures are fine but I feel they are more for the benefit of showing others your in love and the little things are about showing your partner you love them. Weather you love it or hate it it That's my take on valentines day! 

I love the night.

I love the night. Its quiet and stillness is when I get my clearest thoughts and feelings . The pressures of the day are gone,  the air itself is quiet except for the clicking of my keyboard and the slight hum of my computer. I have always been drawn to the night and the moon and stars even as a child. There's something so mysterious, alluring and magical about it. I actually relax at night. I wouldn't know what to do if I worked a first shift job. I've been on second shift for almost 8 years now. We are a different type of people Iv'e noticed. Second shifters and third shifters that is. I've come to notice that in general we tend to be more accepting of other races, sexes, religions, and sexuality. Its either that or we just don't give a fuck what you're doing with your life because its YOUR life to live as you see fit.  

 I love the night. If you get a chance to stay up and enjoy the night, moon, stars and its quiet do so.  Our days are filled with routines and we forget to give ourselves time to be with ourselves alone. I do that at night when the rest of the world sleeps. It really helps to ground me and focus on the things and relationships that are most important in my life. 

"Why are you being such a dick today?

I woke up today with the intention of having an awesome day. I woke up ready to face my day with a positive attitude. Today I"m getting my hair cut and meeting with an old friend from high school. Everything's suppose to be good today. Instead my day just started and for no reason I'm filled with immense anger and resentment towards everyone around me. I don't wanna shave I don't wanna go get a haircut and I'm too angry to care. Its obvious to my family that I'm in a foul mood. Already i got the old "Why are you  being such a dick today? Just because I didn't read that blog you asked me to?" 
Its not the blog I'm angry about. Its everything. I'm too much of a coward to tell her the truth. Its embarrassing when I have a bad day. Makes me feel like a loser, like and adult male should have enough sense to keep his feelings in check. So angry and filled with spite. I call it venom shooting when things come out of my face that I don't really mean and like venom, it poisons the relationships its taken me so long to make.  Today is going to be one of those days where I FAKE IT TILL I MAKE IT. I'll apologize, smile, laugh and pretend I'm OK for my family. Its the least I can do. After all... family's all you really have in the end you know.

Rude awakenings... A Rant.

Heey! So Id like to start this Blog saying I'm a Second shifter. Meaning I work second shift 4pm to 12:30 am. I've done this shift for over 7 years now at every job I have been employed at. I love the night so this shift doesn't bother at  me at all. What does Burn my toast is the sound of hammering and drilling at 9 am coming from the downstairs bathroom. I mean I get people have to work but there should be some kinda law that prevents this kind of noise pollution from waking me from the most magnificent sleep I've had in a while. All i wanted to do this morning was stumble sleepy eyed down stairs  hammer and drill this noise making bastard up to the wall with his own friggin tools. But, being the lazy Taurus that I am in the mornings I decided to just have a couple cups of that Life saving, hot piece of heaven in a cup...Coffee. After 2 Cups of  Mana from heaven  I am up and coherent enough to take on my day. Before that, NOBODY TALK TO ME.

Surgery soon...and some info.

I got out of the doctors office today and was told I have to have Umbilical hernia surgery. It's a fairly common procedure. I am however nervous about being put under. This will be my first ever surgery in this lifetime. Do yourselves a favor, If you have a hernia don't Google images of hernias and their surgeries because you'll freak yourself out and worry more than normal. Trust me!  


I used the interwebz to search for some facts about hernias in general  and here's what I found
(I am not a doctor of any kind. Information provided here is for entertainment purposes)


A hernia occurs when the contents of a body cavity bulge out of the area where they are normally contained. These contents, usually portions of intestine or abdominal fatty tissue, are enclosed in the thin membrane that naturally lines the inside of the cavity.


SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS:
signs and symptoms of a hernia can range from noticing a painless lump to the severely painful, tender, swollen protrusion of tissue that you are unable to push back into the abdomen.

Any condition that increases the pressure of the abdominal cavity may contribute to the formation or worsening of a hernia. 

• obesity 
• heavy lifting,
• coughing,straining during a bowel movement or urination,
• chronic lung disease, and fluid in the abdominal cavity.
• A family history of hernias can make you more likely to develop a hernia.

According to the National Center for health Statistics,some 5 Million Americans have a hernia. Yet, only about 750,000 Americans seek Treatment each year.

If you or a loved one suspect they have a hernia seek medical attention. If left untreated hernias can worsen and become more dangerous .


For more detailed information on Hernias and other medical conditions check out the links page on this Blog.

Groundhogs Day....

Jan. 2nd was Groundhogs day. Most people wont even think twice about it. Personally I could care less if the animal sees his shadow or not. To me it was the day I celebrated Imbolc A.k.a Candlemass and Brigids Day. Imbolc is a cross quarter day midway between winter solstice and spring equinox.

 I like to celebrate the coming of spring and the Goddess in her Maiden form who brings new life to the planet as bulbs begin to shoot up and the earth becomes slowly warmer. Nature awakens from winters darkness and the days begin to get warmer with the promise of spring.

Some Imbolc Traditions as i know them are:

spring cleaning
Removing things from your life you don't want to carry with you for the coming year.

making of a Brighid's cross

Divination for the coming year

Lighting candles and keeping them burning till dawn 

Honoring the Goddess Brigid the Celtic Goddess of fire, Hearth and Forge, Poetry,Healing 

There are many books out there dedicated to the holiday want to learn more.

 I  get really down and depressed every now and again as I'm sure some of you do. When I'm feeling particularly down i sometimes write my thoughts and feelings into poetry. Doesn't  have to be an award winning poem. I'm definitely no expert on depression or poetry  but this helps me and maybe it can help some of you too. 
P.s. no one ever said poems had to rhyme.  Here's something i wrote earlier today:

The scars of the past whisper their dark symphony. 

All they say still rings so true, 

there's weakness in my  flawed heart and darkened soul.

Living in the waking world but out of touch as if in a dream.

Smiling masks begin to crack. 

With every breath the chilling darkness descends upon me 

Head spins in sadness, grief and regret ,

reliving my tortured past, future so foreboding,  mind on the brink of letting go.

I reach out for help, but you cannot see my pain because your drowning in your own.

The Devil Inside: One Bloggers Review.

Here's a small review on the movie The Devil Inside directed by: William Brent Bell and written by William Brent Bell and Mathew Petterman This Horror thriller centers around a young woman named Isabella Rossi played by the Brazilian beauty Fernanda Andrade  .Isabella travels to Italy to find out what happened to her mother who murdered three people during her own exorcism.

Let me start out by saying  that i am not a huge fan of the "found footage" type of films like the Blair witch and all the paranormal activity  films. I do however love a good Horror. This movie did have some pretty creepy parts and the effects were very well done and realistic. They mixed medical science and religion together in their exorcisms which was a nice touch.

After all the hyped up clips and previews I was let down. The film  starts out interesting and draws you into the characters and the story line only to let you down with an ending that just didn't fit in with the rest of the film. A good film to watch home alone in the dark. Don't waste cash going to see it in theaters.